Understanding the Grief Cycle of Divorce and Why It Matters
Emotion is perhaps the most significant feature of family law, which differentiates it from other areas of practice. If you’re going through a divorce, it helps to recognise that the process generally follows a pattern, and that understanding that pattern can impact your legal proceedings.
Emotional stages
If you have initiated a divorce, you’ll likely go through these emotional stages:
- Deciding to end the relationship
- Deciding to physically separate
- Emotional acceptance and moving on
- Legal reorganisation
And if you are on the receiving end of a divorce, you’ll likely go through a similar cycle consisting of the following:
- Denial and attempted reconciliation
- Grief (hurt and pain)
- Contempt and anger
- Emotional acceptance and moving on
- Legal reorganisation
Whatever side you’re on and wherever you may be in your grief cycle, it’s important to recognise that the other person is likely to be going through a grief cycle as well.
And more importantly, where they are in their grief cycle, and where you are in yours, could have a significant bearing on your case outcomes.
In order to get the best outcome for your emotional needs, it’s important to understand your grief cycle, identify where you’re at, and know how to tap into your ex’s in order to move on.
Ending the relationship
If you’ve decided to end the relationship, chances are it wasn’t a decision you made overnight. It may not have even have been communicated to your partner until recently.
You might seek legal advice at this early stage and be keen to know about your entitlements. While this is all very normal and acceptable, it’s important to be mindful that ending the marriage isn’t your only option.
We would encourage you to seek counselling and can advise you about available counselling services. It might be a misunderstanding or mismanagement of communication, which can be resolved.
On the other hand, counselling may provide you with the clarity to realise that dissolution of the marriage is inevitable.
The physical separation
A decision to separate physically from your spouse might follow quickly after you decide it’s over, or it could take several years – especially if there are children involved.
While your emotion levels might be more manageable by this stage, there is still a lot of uncertainty about the future – particularly regarding your rights and entitlements. Common concerns surround property, custody, money and kids.
What’s more, you might fear how your ex will respond to physical separation. You may raise concerns about violence, abuse or other factors.
The key here is to harness those fears to determine the best way to communicate your separation to your spouse. If you have an estranged relationship, perhaps communication in writing would be the most effective. If however, you fear domestic violence, you may wish for the communication to be made through your lawyer.
By communicating in response to your and your ex’s emotional needs, you can feel more confident and empowered about the near future.
Emotional acceptance and moving on
While both parties to a marriage will inevitably go through the stages of emotional acceptance and moving on, the timing is rarely the same.
The person initiating the end of the relationship might be able to move on sooner, while the party receiving the news of a pending divorce could be stuck in months of emotional turmoil.
It’s important to understand this grief cycle, because the ability to get a partner’s agreement to consent orders or parenting orders can inevitably turn on where they are in their emotional cycle.
If they are suffering denial for example, they may not wish to cooperate with consent orders or come to terms of property settlement.
If they are feeling hostile and hurt, their anger could turn to vengeance in prolonged court proceedings, mediations and broken orders that could make a difficult situation so much worse, not to mention costly.
You might find yourselves spending $1,000 on legal fees arguing over a $50 cutlery set – and is that really important in the long run?
By giving both parties their time to grieve and move through the cycle, a better outcome can be achieved for everyone.
Legal reorganisation
Once both parties have worked through the emotional cycle, it’s time to reorganise legal affairs and move on. This is the ideal time to do it, provided that both parties are on the same page.
At this stage in the cycle, both parties can see things objectively and fairly. Parties are more likely to be realistic and just, and open to negotiation and settlement with a long-term positive outcome, rather than just a short-term win.
At Amicus Lawyers, we understand the reality and practical impacts of the grief cycle. We realise that grief, emotion and resolution are all natural stages in dealing with emotion – and we are here to help. Contact us today.